Oceanic Victims Rescued Afterlife Threatening Crash

By Gary Troup

One year ago, 6 members of Oceanic flight 815 stunned the world by miraculously emerging from months at sea to return seemingly unharmed. The tragedy, which was thought to end the lives of nearly a hundred passengers, was finally put to bed after the survivors revealed the deaths of all of the other members of the flight.

In what can only be described as shocking chain of events, wreckage of Oceanic Flight 815 has recently surfaced, and with it, 8 more passengers of the terror filled plane have come back with more stories to tell.

Unfortunately, their stories will have to wait to be heard. No sooner did our passengers come back into our lives, they were taken away by what appears to be employees of Oceanic for a debriefing. At this time, very little is known about these new survivors. What little information we do have was taken from a copy of the flight manifest and through our inside sources. Here are their profiles:



Name: Dr. Ari Girard
Occupation: Reverse Psychologist

Dr. Girard was visiting Australia to study its legendary backwards nature. Eerily enough, she found that things were the exact same backwards in Austrlia, as they were forward in the States.



Name: Bob Afett
Occupation: Corporate Head Hunter

Mr. Afett was sent by his employer, Bounty Paper Towels (they'll vaporize your stains) to bring in a new spokesperson for his company. While he sometimes is forced to work with others, he usually prefers Solo missions. On the island, he suffered from major indigestion.



Name: Rob Banks
Occupation: Politics (Literal Activist), Unknown

For years Mr. Banks has had trouble drumming up support for the failing Literal Political Party, which makes it all the more puzzling as to how he has amassed such a great amount of wealth.



Name: Edgar Helthe
Occupation: Struggling Live Actor

While Edgar is no doubt struggling to maintain his profession as a live actor, things appear to be turning the corner. Since his disappearance on that fateful dark night, his career has soared. Lately he has begun to take himself a little less seriously.



Name: Punny Tended
Occupation: Chemist, Author

A noted chemist, Miss Tended was flying back from an Australian book signing tour, promoting her new best seller "Barium Today!" While on the island, in between periods of promptly disposing of her fallen friends, she was able to start her next book "Isn't it (Fe)ic, Don't You Think?"



Name: Barbie Whitt
Occupation: Marine Biological Clock Maker

Barbie was always obsessed with setting her clocks and with people following her. She did, however, prove that even if you are running late (as Barbie tended to do), after a big meal she could always go back four seconds.



Name: Carrie Murry
Occupation: Ex-Ray Machina Technician

While on the island, Carrie asked herself the philosophical question, "Deus ex-ray Machinas really help the subject, or not?" Now, in her spare time Carrie enjoys dropping into situations randomly to solve problems, leaving us to scratch our heads.

No Photo Currently Available for the New Girl

Name: Kara McBoba
Occupation: Non-Prophet Community Organizer

Kara was the one chosen to leave these non important survivors. Being the chosen one is something she has embraced whole heartedly. She can never stay in one place too long though...as she is always talking about change.